life lessons

I was suppose to have spent the last week with my sister, niece and parents in Washington just relaxing and enjoying a little break from work and stress. Instead I spent it making my second trip to Iowa in less than 12 months. 2 trips to Iowa in that period of time is unheard of. Normally I would be excited to see my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, but as you can tell from my previous blog entry I was going for a funeral and NOT for enjoyment. This was my first time at a funeral, which most find remarkable considering I’m almost 27 years old, but I’m actually quite pleased that I’ve not needed to experience such heartbreak. I was numb for the trip to Iowa and about my abrupt change of plans (no vacation, instead grieving). Not really knowing what to expect made the trip even worse. I think it’s important to know that because my grandparents all live in Iowa I don’t SEE them near as much as I’d like and I don’t KNOW them near as well as I’d like. I chose not to go back when my mom’s mother passed and really regretted that choice which is why I insisted on going this time. Plus, I knew my family was going to need more help this time since now there was no spouse to handle most of the matters (remember my grandmother passed a few years back). I was amazed at how my family came together and supported each other through the packing and dividing up, but also so thankful that we were able to support each other emotionally. I am convinced that we are still numb about his passing. Certainly over time the finality that comes with not having any of the Swank grandparents alive will make coping harder. As much as I hurt from loss it’s really my mom that I feel the most sorrow for. I can’t imagine the emptiness that’s been in her heart this last week.

Yes I’m strong, but I did breakdown at the funeral during one song in particular, Daddy’s hands. If you’ve never heard the song you can hear it here. There are a few things I particularly remember about grandpa, one is him being a member of the Masonic lodge and his Shiner parades, another is the backrubs he always taught us how to give so well, and the last is his hands. My mom pointed his hands out to me when I was younger. He was a farmer and a hard worker for all of his life which certainly made for some calloused hands. I’ve NEVER seen anyone with hands as worn as his. The other obvious thing about the song is that I too have a father. Seeing my mother go through this loss and the inevitable loss of my father are on my mind. Yes, that will be MANY years in the future but none the less, it’s practically impossible to imagine life without him and his love. The other song that really got to me was a song about a father's love. Love without end, amen by George Straight

In all of this sorrow I clung to one thing, even in death my grandfather did things HIS WAY….here is the story of his last days on earth. He had not been feeling well on Friday evening but still decided to keep his plans for Sat. When he woke up early on sat he got ready as usual but still wasn’t feeling quite right and decided he should probably go to the ER. He woke his friend and she got ready immediately. She said she was ready to leave but quickly realized he was in no position to drive saying, I think you should call 911. He sat down to wait while she was on the phone with her back to him. Suddenly she felt his head rest on her back and turned around…he was gone….the paramedics tried to revive him for an hour at the scene and another 30 min at the hospital…but he chose not to come back…..this is how grandpa did things, always thinking of helping others and making as little a burden on others as possible. He wouldn’t have wanted the kids to make the decision they had to with grandma and just didn’t come back. Which brings me to the only positive result of this entire ordeal; he’s finally reunited with the love of his life and his wife of nearly 50 years, Charlotte.

As I said before, grandpa wouldn’t want us to be sad but instead celebrate his life and take the lessons he taught us by modeling a selfless life….it’s much harder to celebrate as the finality sinks in but we will try as a family to honor his wishes.

What’s important in life anyway??? We have been talking and trying to decide when the right time to start a family is, when should we move back to Washington, should we fly back to see our parents over the holidays? Life is not unlimited. My grandfather will never meet my children. Sure, I can tell stories and show them pictures but they will never ride on his tractor or in his Shrine car after the parade. They will never run around the family farm catching fireflies at night in the humid heat. Is there ever a way to anticipate everything? Absolutely not. Can we completely live in the moment? No because we have to believe in a tomorrow. There has to be a balance. I wish I felt like this balance was easier to find right now.